Life is funny!

I think that when you forget that you have a blog, you have crossed the line to being a NERD! I have my original blog and I have never forgotten about it, but I had forgotten that I had started this blog. I have been blogging for so long that I have come, gone, come, gone, and come again. It is even worse when you have the blogs listed on your facebook page and still forget about them. My only out is that I never look at my own profile or change it for that matter (at least until someone calls me out on never having changed my pic or info). Anyways, I know I am a nerd, always have been, always will. I like not being an idiot!

Moving on to the meat of this post.

Life is funny how things that are such a big deal at one time lose their drama and magnitude if you can just let time put distance between you and whatever it is. I read over the few posts I have on this blog today and couldn't help but laugh. I was so depressed and down in those posts. Contrasting them with my life now is like comparing night and day.

I started this blog with a few things in mind. I had my heart broken in two last summer by THE girl. You know, the one that you THINK is THE ONE! We went from serious to nothing overnight.....seriously! Over one night, she decided that a life with me wasn't what she wanted and I had to learn to deal with it. It blindsided me, though I doubt the revelation was an overnight thing for her. Anyways, enough about that, needless to say, we have both moved on and are happy with the current situation (I am anyway and I assume she is as well.)

Before that happened, I had been thinking about starting a new blog, and keeping my other blog focused on organ donation and trying to get the word out about how it changed my life. I also decided to do it because I knew she read that blog and I didn't want her to see me writing with heartbreak. (She heard it enough!) I guess that once I got past the initial heartbreak, this blog lost its purpose as a therapeutic outlet and I forgot about it.

I also wanted to distance myself from thinking that people saw me as someone waiting for a transplant. I will always be a transplant patient, but my other blog dealt so much with me being sick that I didn't want people to read my thoughts and think that I was still in that same frame of mind. I am as healthy today as I have ever been and I want that reflected in my writing.

I now look at myself as someone who has fought a battle for my life and won. I continue to fight small battles everyday with my health, but I am not facing the same outcome as long as I take care of myself. I am now learning that one of my major fears is people forever looking at me as the "sick boy".

I am still in the process of finding the person that God has hand-picked for me. I have made a mess of relationships in the past because I was seeking what I wanted, instead of seeking God and letting Him deliver to me the girl who loves Jesus as much as I do. I am not one of the type of people who think that when SHE shows up in my life, it will be flawless and a heavenly choir will sing. I realize that I am [though only occasionally ;)] capable of making mistakes, and I realize that whoever God sends me will be a less-than-perfect human as well. I know that a relationship requires work. I think that two people working toward and with God will be much easier, than one working toward Him and the other pulling away or two people both pulling away from God.

I also want someone who is comfortable with me. Who knows, understands, and is okay with me having had a transplant. I say that I want someone who is okay with it, but I have never had someone turn away because of that. They have ran away for sure, but never because of the transplant. It is usually because I let it slip that I am crazy too soon!

Whew!! This post has gotten long. I was on a roll, so I figured I would just keep going. To sum all of this up. Life is funny how things that seem so big of a deal in the moment are really not that life altering in hindsight. My life is better and I feel like I am now as happy as I have ever been. I am closer to the Lord and putting more trust in Him than I ever have before. I say all of this to say, the negative tone of the blog was a momentary thing. Each day is an undeserved blessing, and I am going to live in that blessing and rejoice.

Oh, and if you followed me over here from my other blog you have heard this before. I am going to try to post here more often.

Lata!

I am Loved

For the past couple of months I have been dealing with a major life change. I thought that I had everything figured out and was ready to move forward with my life when it was all turned on its head. Only very recently have I come to grips with my current situation. I had my life all planned out and it fit neatly inside the frame that I had constructed. Then the frame fell apart and I am just now finishing sweeping up the pieces.

I have spent the past couple of months going back and forth between thinking that this change is for the best and wondering why God sees fit to continue putting me through heartbreaking situations. I am learning that most of the time when I get my heartbroken, it is not from God. The heartbreak is from my unwillingness to listen to God and follow His lead.

I have tried to come up with excuses and reasons for the heartbreak, but all of my efforts have been futile. Just last week, something small, and seemingly insignificant, gave me what I needed to begin healing once again. I find it funny how God works through small, familiar things to answer prayers.

On my blog about my transplant, when I felt like my life was going great I posted an entry from an email that I received called "I Have Learned..." by Andy Rooney. I was reading these again the other day and one jumped out at me.

It said, "I have learned... that love, not time, heals all wounds."

I realized when I read that again that I have been thinking if I can make it one more day, one more week, or one more month, I will be okay. After reading that I realized that to heal this wound I just have to love the one who caused it for who they are and where they stand. Sometimes in life, things don't work out the way that we want them to, especially when it comes to love and relationships. I can keep fighting them for not seeing things my way or I can choose to stop fighting and love them for the memories we shared and the happiness I felt while we were together. I have decided to go with the latter choice and love those who come into my life and those who choose to leave it for who they are.

Another of those little sayings is, "I have learned... that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them." I am a firm believer in this statement. At the beginning of a relationship we can find fault with anyone and a million reasons why we shouldn't be with them, but once you fall in love with that person all of those faults seem to melt away. You become ignorant and oblivious to those faults and issues that before seemed to be deal breakers. When we are in love, we forget about the fights and the hard times, because the good times make us so happy.

It is difficult being on the receiving end of heartbreak, but I am slowly learning that God wants us to love those people just like he loves us. I often break God's heart when I disobey Him and get out of His will. Even still, He loves me just the same and loves me for who I am and where I stand in each moment. He isn't always happy with me, but that doesn't diminish the love that he shows to me. He expects me to do the same for those people in my life. I may not be happy with their decisions, but I have to love them for who they are and where they are in their life. I am trying to do the same with those who have broken my heart.